A Companion Poem to one I wrote a year and a half ago

The Original, 7/3/08

All of a sudden out of nowhere its fucking pouring out tappity tap snap sur la fenetre, the rumble of thunder threatening from inside, a flash of awakening comes and just as quick goes out leaving only rumblescrrata tat tat its not a beautiful city the more, I want to rain fuddled over with clouded heavens to mercatroy venus earth martians aliens étrangers (je ne retournerai pas chez moi til I fly there)

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A Companion, 2/22/10

All of a sudden out of nowhere it’s pouring out tappity tap pitter pat and it gives the glazed over eyes a little life back drip drap tipper tap takes but for a moment me out of that, roams me off to whence it came de grandes distances, and clink clinks makes for a beautiful silence and if you listen you can hear it all

A Creature of Habit

Scenario: I get into my car, which is always parked in the driveway (usually behind my brother’s larger car), put the gear into reverse, use my side mirror to back down the driveway, and then proceed to where I’m going, in a hurry.  Same as every day.

Scenario: I get into my car in a hurry, put the gear into reverse as usual, look out my side mirror, and start to back down the driveway.  Only this time, I don’t get very far before I hear the crunching sound of metal on metal as I suddenly realize that I have backed into my brother’s car, which is parked behind me today.  Fml.  Thank goodness I have been only moving very slowly or else there would have been a lot more damage, although my license plate seems vaguely triangular now that it’s slightly bent in the middle, along with part of the rear of my car behind it.

Scenario: I approach my car, seeing that my brother’s car is parked behind mine, and note to myself that I need to move forward rather than back up at first so as to maneuver my car around my brother’s before backing down the driveway (there’s room for that).  I get into my car, put the gear into reverse, and almost back up anyway.  I stop myself just in the nick of time and realize - WTF, I even saw that his car was behind mine and thought about it, and still almost backed up into it.

Because of these events, every single time I’m about to back down the driveway now, I have to repeat over and over in my head, “don’t back up, don’t back up, don’t back up,” or assure myself, “yes, you can back up today.” 

New Scenario: Back in high school... I get into my car and head to church - a place nearby that I know how to get to very well, as I’ve gone to the same one since I was little.  I talk on my cell phone all the way there, until I arrive and suddenly realize that I have arrived not at church at all but at my high school, in the opposite direction from where I was supposed to go.  That’s definitely not the only time this has happened to me... most recently I was driving home from my cousin’s baby shower in Allentown, and when I got back to an area that I recognized and knew well, I turned off my GPS, since I could easily get home from there.  Except all of a sudden, I found myself arriving back at Villanova (where my heart is, perhaps) instead of at my house. 

What does all this strange behavior mean?  It means that when we don’t pay close attention to where we’re going or what we’re doing, sometimes our brains go into what I like to call Auto-Pilot mode.  Humans are creatures of habit.  When we do the same thing every day, our bodies know that behavior so well that it’s even inscribed in our muscle memories and we don’t even have to think about what we’re doing in order to do it.  As the expression goes, “it’s just like riding a bike”... when we’ve learned something so well, it becomes difficult to un-learn it.  For me, that became apparent when I went about 4 or 5 years without skiing at all, but when I started doing it again, it wasn’t long before I got right back up to the level I had been before I stopped.  Because I’d been doing it since the age of 4, my body just couldn’t forget how to ski.  

I’m just left to wonder what these sorts of auto-pilot habits really mean to our lives.  Could these examples just be mere scratchings of the surface of all the behaviors that we can’t seem to shake no matter how hard we try - and probably don’t even notice how helplessly engrained in us they are?  Our hands reaching into that bag of chips in front of the television, smoking pot day after day (I say pot because it lacks the physically addictive element of nicotine like cigarettes), letting those two beers turn into seven?  What about non-behavioral examples - like the beliefs we’ve been taught from the youngest of ages that we can’t seem to shake no matter how much evidence is piled against them?  While this mechanism of human habit probably came about as a crucial survival instinct - like not being able to forget how to swim once you learn (faced with a body of water in a dash from a predator, your ability to swim can kick in and save the day) -- I can’t help but wonder if nowadays it’s really less helpful than destructive.

Reuniting with yourself

I have already been invited to my high school’s five year reunion, even though it’s not until November.  Back in high school I never understood why people would want to skip their reunions, why they wouldn’t be thrilled to get to catch up with all their old classmates.  Back in high school, I also thought that I would much rather have a reunion with all of my theater friends from all the different grades than have a reunion with just my graduating class.  Well, I have just seen on facebook but not actually been officially invited to (though I’m sure I’d be just as welcome there as anyone else from it) a high school drama club reunion.

So I find myself thinking... Why is it that the very same people that I cried over having to leave and couldn’t wait to reunite with at the time, now give me a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach at the thought of being put into a scenario where I’m forced to socialize with them all once more?  That the funny feeling is something reminiscent of dread is not lost on me.  

I think the issue of the reunion says something about change.. changing as a person.  The reason I was so sad to give up those friends is because I was resisting the impending change and growth that I could feel being forced onto me and I just didn’t want to happen -- but knew it had to... so I teared up in saying my goodbyes to the upperclassmen graduating, and to everyone when the time came for me to graduate.... I was afraid I couldn’t move on, afraid of having to make new friends, afraid of having to discover things about myself that it was much more comfortable not to, very afraid of growing apart from the only romantic love I had ever known and so tried desperately to resist anything that might pull me away..

But once that change really came upon me, I never really looked back much.  I grew up, and I grew to like the person that I’ve become far more than the one I used to be.  And I guess the reason I’m not thrilled at the thought of seeing all those people again is the fear of that harsh blast from the past and the phenomenon that seems to occur with it: you revert back to your old self, your old ways... your old insecurities, your old habits and behaviors and ways of interacting with people - things you’ve spent the past five years outgrowing - could very well inevitably manage to creep back up on you and tackle down the more secure, confident person you’ve become, leaving you feeling less than thrilled about this reunion.

And if you do manage to resist all that crap..... then you’re left with the realization that you no longer know how to interact with those people you used to spend every day with and you’re stuck awkwardly trying to do it anyway.  

And yet... the verdict’s still out on whether I want to go to any of these reunions or not.  The craziest thing is that some part of me is still intrigued, still wondering about how things would turn out.

Cyber Vacuum Time Warp

Lately I’ve been meaning and planning and intending to write in this, but it just hasn’t seemed to happen.  Sorry to my one loyal reader, ms. thompson. (lol, there’s your weekly shout-out.)  Part of it is that if I happen to get the idea/motivation to write something at a time that isn’t convenient to actually sit and write it down, I tend to lose the will to write it by the time I do get a chance to.  The other reason is something I can’t explain as clearly because I just can’t put my finger on it, but it has to do with my desire to avoid thinking about subjects that bother me when I don’t have to... it’s this catch-22 where the only way to end the incessant pestering of a subject is to write it down, think it out.. but the more something truly worries me, the less I am willing to actively allow myself to think about it. Hence, a cycle of repression develops.

I guess there’s a third reason, which is also possibly the reason that my last two entries have been submitted via my iphone instead of the regular web... it’s my feeling as of late that the computer is something toxic that must avoid being turned on as much as possible.  For days I evade tasks like responding to emails or facebook messages, looking things up online - it’s a list of tasks I can’t even name all of at will --- and this crazy avoidance behavior is affirmed by nights like tonight, when I finally did allow myself full access of the computer: I sat in front of the TV watching things I had absolutely no interest in at all and therefore were completely unsatisfying, talking online and surfing the web and responding to messages for about 8 hours.  I’m sitting here adding it up, thinking, eight hours??  No way that’s possible... but the computer for me, much of the time, acts as a scary cyber drain that sucks in all my energy, my time, my life force until I realize I have wasted away in front of it all evening.  Did I catch up with friends?  Yes.  Did I have some nice conversations?  Yes.  Did I work on things I needed to work on?  Actually, I did a bit.  Sounds decently productive, then.. even somewhat justified.. right?  But staring at a computer screen for hours on end makes me feel like absolute crap in a way that having those conversations with friends in person, on the phone, or even through text messaging would never in a million years make me feel.  If anyone has some insight on this issue, let me know what you think.  All I know is that the further I get from being sucked into this technological warp, the better things feel.  So I am learning to avoid it more and more.  But if that results in more of a disconnect from my friends, well, that’s a sad thing.

I will add that writing this blog, actually, never makes me feel crappy, only better.  When I write my stream of consciousness in word documents I somehow forget about the ability to surf the web and multitask and instead lose myself in my thoughts.  A creative outlet is never a negative thing.


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10:45 AM EDIT:

This morning as I wake up, I have two add-ons to last night’s entry:

The first is that I think the reason I love Twitter so much is that it allows me to still feel connected to my friends and still feel like I’m getting my thoughts out of my head and into the world.. all with very little time or effort and without ever turning on my computer.  And that feels good, and easy, and not as annoying/time-consuming/brain-sucking as Facebook feels now that I’m no longer in college.

The second is that I get ridiculous amounts of anxiety just about every time I check my email (even from my iphone, which I do all the time). I’m not really sure why though... I don’t know what I’m so afraid of finding. 

PS, If I do have more than one loyal reader, thanks! ;)

Monsters of the Morning

Sweet, sweet 5:30 am. You might say this is when the true side of somebody comes out.. but I'm pretty sure that's just not true. What comes out isn't your true self but something more straight out of Where the Wild Things Are: a childish, grumpy, grumbly hairy creature. Such is the case for me and my family right now. Add in a touch of neurotic, just to spice it up: dad tells us all to get in the car about 50 times before anyone actually does, mom frantically makes us get out our licenses just to double check we have a photo ID, then dad gets in the car and unknowingly makes us nuts by asking us to do this yet again... the ride to the airport filled with constant "did you remember to pack this," even though it's too late to go back anyway so it doesn't really make a difference if you packed it or not. Everyone is significantly more snippy and on edge than usual and showing sides of themselves you don't often get to see. This reminds me of a very early flight back from a trip to Miami I took with my friends and brand new roommates a couple of years ago, when the roommate we'd really just met not long before a bit frighteningly declared, "Do not talk to me until I have my coffee," and boy, she really meant it.. and she didn't get a chance to have said coffee until we were all checked in. Later this became something we all joked about, but lack of sleep and caffeine don't always bring out the best in people. So why on earth am I writing this right now, you ask? I'm certainly groggy and grumpy just like the rest of em, but if there's one thing college has prepared me for, it's being up writing things while severely sleep deprived.
Colorado here we come...


- Posted from my iPhone

What a Year

I'm sitting on an Amtrak train en route to Washington DC to celebrate the new decade in our nation's capitol with some wonderful Villanova friends, and it is suddenly occurring to me that today is the last day of 2009.. which, when I think about it, was a really eventful year of my life.

What happened in 09?
I made a movie
I graduated college
I played a big part in my final VSMT show
I lived in LA
I had some identity crises
I studied at Stella Adler, Mike Lemon, & Kathy Wickline
I made a daring career choice
I lived at the beach
I spent a whole lot of time in New York City
I committed to my girlfriend
I came out to my extended family
I lost 15 pounds
I rented a car
I started a blog
I went on a cruise
I discovered an interest in international cinema
I read books and listened to audiobooks
I started cooking meals
I cleaned out my room and all my boxes
I ate interesting foods at nice restaurants
I went to a lot of parties
I skiied, cycled, jogged, did pilates and yoga
I ran 2 miles without stopping for the first time in my life
I saw Nova make it to the Final Four (and even cared about it)
I saw gay rights get rejected from too many places, but accepted into a few
I saw a black president come into office - something I really never thought would happen so early on in my life
I made a ton of new friends from many different groups
I realized which friends will probably stick with me for life
I rode cars, buses, trains, planes, and ships
I interned for a famous person, a big company, and a small company
I lived in 3 different apartments and 2 different houses in 4 different states

2009 was a huge, life-changing year for me, if I really think about it. I don't think I could really sum it up as the "Year of ____", as many try to... well, maybe a year of -- as most years are -- growing up.



- Posted from my iPhone

Multitasking at its Best; or, Something I'd Like to See Invented

I may be a huge weirdo, but I read books in the shower.  Yes, they get wet.  But they do dry back out afterwards, albeit with some ripply looking pages.  Small sacrifice.  I also often read in the hot tub, as well as whenever I get around to taking a bath, both of which tend to get books a bit damp as well, though not as much as the shower.  I have found this task a bit easier while showering in Europe - Italy, and France, in places where you use a handheld showerhead and turn it off whenever you’re between rinsings to save H2O (Europeans as a whole are much more environmentally conscious than we wasteful Americans).  

Why do I want to read while showering, you may ask.  Well, my own modern American upbringing has so bombarded me with media from all directions at all times that I can’t seem to bear not to multitask most of the time, and I find myself rather bored doing just one activity at once.  My sophomore year roommate once took a picture of me brushing my teeth with one leg up on the sink to stretch it and a large textbook sitting on my leg, with a highlighter in my other hand.  Somehow I’ve been trained to see any single task as strangely unproductive, and, well, boring.  As Harriet the Spy’s Ole Golly told me recently in an audiobook I was listening to while driving, you might as well play checkers while you watch TV, because both are boring to do alone but provide enough entertainment when done together.  

So after wondering just how to keep my books relatively dry during a particularly wet-booked shower just now, I decided to search the internet to see if anyone had actually come up with any sort of invention yet that allows you to read in the shower.  Here’s what I found: 

• Durabooks, a company that makes waterproof books with pages made out of a nontoxic, synthetic glue-paper material.  I highly approve of this, but they seem to have only six titles available: a few short story collections, as well as two erotic story compilations (they know where our minds are in the shower).  A good idea (and I might purchase one at some point), but not exactly what I’m looking for.  I want to be able to take whatever book I’m currently in the middle of reading right into the shower with me.  
• Another interesting find: waterproof notebooks.  These could definitely be useful at some point, I should think.  

If any of you are budding inventors out there, invent me some sort of casing or covering I can place on top of my book that can be easily put on or removed that keeps the water from getting to it and somehow allows you to still turn the pages.  Or just put one of those waterproof TV screens in my shower for me.