Reuniting with yourself

I have already been invited to my high school’s five year reunion, even though it’s not until November.  Back in high school I never understood why people would want to skip their reunions, why they wouldn’t be thrilled to get to catch up with all their old classmates.  Back in high school, I also thought that I would much rather have a reunion with all of my theater friends from all the different grades than have a reunion with just my graduating class.  Well, I have just seen on facebook but not actually been officially invited to (though I’m sure I’d be just as welcome there as anyone else from it) a high school drama club reunion.

So I find myself thinking... Why is it that the very same people that I cried over having to leave and couldn’t wait to reunite with at the time, now give me a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach at the thought of being put into a scenario where I’m forced to socialize with them all once more?  That the funny feeling is something reminiscent of dread is not lost on me.  

I think the issue of the reunion says something about change.. changing as a person.  The reason I was so sad to give up those friends is because I was resisting the impending change and growth that I could feel being forced onto me and I just didn’t want to happen -- but knew it had to... so I teared up in saying my goodbyes to the upperclassmen graduating, and to everyone when the time came for me to graduate.... I was afraid I couldn’t move on, afraid of having to make new friends, afraid of having to discover things about myself that it was much more comfortable not to, very afraid of growing apart from the only romantic love I had ever known and so tried desperately to resist anything that might pull me away..

But once that change really came upon me, I never really looked back much.  I grew up, and I grew to like the person that I’ve become far more than the one I used to be.  And I guess the reason I’m not thrilled at the thought of seeing all those people again is the fear of that harsh blast from the past and the phenomenon that seems to occur with it: you revert back to your old self, your old ways... your old insecurities, your old habits and behaviors and ways of interacting with people - things you’ve spent the past five years outgrowing - could very well inevitably manage to creep back up on you and tackle down the more secure, confident person you’ve become, leaving you feeling less than thrilled about this reunion.

And if you do manage to resist all that crap..... then you’re left with the realization that you no longer know how to interact with those people you used to spend every day with and you’re stuck awkwardly trying to do it anyway.  

And yet... the verdict’s still out on whether I want to go to any of these reunions or not.  The craziest thing is that some part of me is still intrigued, still wondering about how things would turn out.