Cyber Vacuum Time Warp

Lately I’ve been meaning and planning and intending to write in this, but it just hasn’t seemed to happen.  Sorry to my one loyal reader, ms. thompson. (lol, there’s your weekly shout-out.)  Part of it is that if I happen to get the idea/motivation to write something at a time that isn’t convenient to actually sit and write it down, I tend to lose the will to write it by the time I do get a chance to.  The other reason is something I can’t explain as clearly because I just can’t put my finger on it, but it has to do with my desire to avoid thinking about subjects that bother me when I don’t have to... it’s this catch-22 where the only way to end the incessant pestering of a subject is to write it down, think it out.. but the more something truly worries me, the less I am willing to actively allow myself to think about it. Hence, a cycle of repression develops.

I guess there’s a third reason, which is also possibly the reason that my last two entries have been submitted via my iphone instead of the regular web... it’s my feeling as of late that the computer is something toxic that must avoid being turned on as much as possible.  For days I evade tasks like responding to emails or facebook messages, looking things up online - it’s a list of tasks I can’t even name all of at will --- and this crazy avoidance behavior is affirmed by nights like tonight, when I finally did allow myself full access of the computer: I sat in front of the TV watching things I had absolutely no interest in at all and therefore were completely unsatisfying, talking online and surfing the web and responding to messages for about 8 hours.  I’m sitting here adding it up, thinking, eight hours??  No way that’s possible... but the computer for me, much of the time, acts as a scary cyber drain that sucks in all my energy, my time, my life force until I realize I have wasted away in front of it all evening.  Did I catch up with friends?  Yes.  Did I have some nice conversations?  Yes.  Did I work on things I needed to work on?  Actually, I did a bit.  Sounds decently productive, then.. even somewhat justified.. right?  But staring at a computer screen for hours on end makes me feel like absolute crap in a way that having those conversations with friends in person, on the phone, or even through text messaging would never in a million years make me feel.  If anyone has some insight on this issue, let me know what you think.  All I know is that the further I get from being sucked into this technological warp, the better things feel.  So I am learning to avoid it more and more.  But if that results in more of a disconnect from my friends, well, that’s a sad thing.

I will add that writing this blog, actually, never makes me feel crappy, only better.  When I write my stream of consciousness in word documents I somehow forget about the ability to surf the web and multitask and instead lose myself in my thoughts.  A creative outlet is never a negative thing.


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10:45 AM EDIT:

This morning as I wake up, I have two add-ons to last night’s entry:

The first is that I think the reason I love Twitter so much is that it allows me to still feel connected to my friends and still feel like I’m getting my thoughts out of my head and into the world.. all with very little time or effort and without ever turning on my computer.  And that feels good, and easy, and not as annoying/time-consuming/brain-sucking as Facebook feels now that I’m no longer in college.

The second is that I get ridiculous amounts of anxiety just about every time I check my email (even from my iphone, which I do all the time). I’m not really sure why though... I don’t know what I’m so afraid of finding. 

PS, If I do have more than one loyal reader, thanks! ;)